resistivity | inbox;

( predictably, she responds right away. it's been an anxiety ridden day of exhausting herself however she can, breaking her knuckles on dirt walls and then healing them with water, just to break them again. sometimes her waterbending gives out, and she has to suffer in the pain of it. sometimes she keeps hitting walls anyway.

she planned out what she was going to say. a confession, probably. another i'll always love you, forever, always. but. she hears his voice and knows that she can't do it to him. mako deserves more than whatever korra could ever give him. she's never deserved him, has only ever done him disservices in all her attempts at kindness. say what you will about korra and her mistakes, but at least she always tries to suffer alone. she refuses to drag mako down with her.

there's just a long sigh, at first. then. )

I know I messed up, and I am sorry. I really am. But I can't live without you, so we're going to have to figure out some way to fix this.

( he's obviously on the line. his breathing is faint but audible, but he's just. not talking. for a stretch of time that goes well beyond awkward. she probably knows him well enough to know that he's rubbing his temples to stave off the onslaught of a headache. his voice is soft when he speaks, but it's the low sort of tone that's obviously being maintained to stave off anger. )

Why didn't you just tell me? How exactly did you think I was going to take it, Korra?

( because he's thought about it. he really has. and the only thing he can come up with is that she was afraid of what he'd say, or that he'd judge her, or that he'd hate it. and he's decided that that hurts way worse than anything else she could have done. )

I love you and Asami more than just about anything. I want you to be happy. But I ( ohhh the volume is going up on his voice, he's almost yelling now. ) also don't want — ( he makes a noise of pure frustration, glutted on that anger. ) a repeat of the last three years! Do you have any idea how hard it was, just — letting you go off and suffer alone?! Just — agh, forget about the kissing, any of that! You're my best friend! You're supposed to be able to trust me!

( unlike their last fight, korra doesn't immediately go on the offensive. she isn't really on the defensive, either, she's just. taking the pummeling. mako's words, fists in her gut, hitting all the chi points they want to. breaking her down. three years. zaheer poisoned her, suffocated her, nearly killed her, and yet the people who suffered were mako, bolin, her parents, tenzin. that's one thing she can't excuse with zaheer, though. it's her fault. she hurt them, and mako, because like in all the most life changing parts to her story, her worst crime has always been her selfishness.

it's not about the kiss, or asami, or anything else. it's because mako never fully forgave her for leaving and not writing. she can understand that - more ills she's done against him, more scars that refuse to close.

spirits, she should've just written. )

I know.

( quietly, darkly. as much as she can hear his headache, he can probably see her hang hanging, ashamed. )

I do trust you, Mako. And ... I know I haven't been good at showing. How I feel about you. I've been ... ( a sharp inhale. ) Selfish. Running away was childish. I know that now.

( at the time, though. it wasn't really running away. at the time, it felt like it could've been forever. they all wrote her. and, from her position, weren't their lives so much better without the avatar? not on a worldly level, but personal. she should've made team avatar out of people she cared for less. )

I'm sorry I didn't write you. I still thought about you everyday. I hoped you were okay. ( while she was getting her ass kicked by a mirage of herself. she should've just written. it's easy to say it now, but at the time, it felt like there was nothing more impossible, than writing mako, pretending like everything was fine. ) I'm sorry, Mako. You mean everything to me. I just. ( no excuses. she shakes her head. ) I'm just sorry.

( they always did reflect the worst parts of each other. )

I don't care that you're sorry! You could have died and I would have lost you! I wouldn't have even known about it until some Earthbender kid showed up as the Avatar! Korra, I can't — ( and that's it. his voice breaks, in that curling uptick of emotion that suggests the speaker is either at or on the verge of tears, and there is a sharp inhale that is married to a ragged gasp.

he doesn't speak for a good long while after that. getting control of himself, obviously. then he just. swears under his breath. he sounds just the slightest bit stuffed up when he speaks, )

I know that whole thing with Zaheer was hard on you. I know the recovery was — awful. But you can't take everything on alone. You have me, so just — rely on that once in a while. Okay?

( she takes the berating, feeling a little bit like a child and knowing mako's right. it's nothing she hasn't heard before - katara, tenzin, her parents. somehow it means more coming from him, because. she's seen him get angry, seen him frustrated and annoyed, but she's never seen. this. the affliction of his voice chokes her up, evidence to a greater end she's never fully wanted to accept. she has lived a life first of being swaddled, and then of having the crashing waves of reality set her shoulders back in place. amon said avatar was a symbol of inequality. unalaq thought the avatar needed to be replaced. zaheer said her existence was the very foundation of discourse in the world.

the thing is, she's learned through all that to accept her death as an inevitability. people are always trying to kill her, and one day someone will succeed. she can't see herself growing old and grey like katara, taking up waterhealing in the southern tribe. she'll have to die, probably young, so the next avatar can take her place faster. and they'll do a better job, be smarter and more thoughtful. treat their friends better, be a model of avatar citizenship. the people will like them. they'll find peace the way korra never could. the world will forget her name, or have it be written in twain with korra, the avatar who lost the rest. korra, the first and worst avatar. korra, who set a precedent so low, no avatar will ever fail worse than her. korra, whose greatest success was dying so a competent person could take her place.

she's not foolish enough to think mako's talking about her being the avatar, though. he just loves her, for some stupid reason she'll never be able to fully figure out. after all the terrible things she's done to him, every way she's hurt him and continues to hurt him, he still finds the peace of mind to forgive her. maybe. accept her back, at least, love her as unabashedly as he did before, when they were younger and dumber, and thought probending tournaments might be the most pivotal point in both their lives. mako mentions zaheer, and she flinches because she knows no one can see her - cracks open old wounds, chains, poison, suffocation. give it time. she can't resist for long.

a deep breath. )

Okay.

( she can't be sure of how honest it is. she spends most of her time thinking no one wants her around anyway, and that the three years of isolation were just evidence that she really is a lost cause. but. she can try. for mako. she can live for him, too. )

I have you?

( still? she tries to laugh, to cover up sorrow. )

When are you gonna give up on me?

Edited 2018-09-23 03:19 (UTC)

( nothing else, just: )

Where are you?

The forest.

( she took up temporary residence, there. it reminds her heartily of the spirit world, and along with that the swamps where she went when she ran away to begin with. the idea of walking and getting nowhere, being at peace with forest life and her own thoughts, it's a familiar, tasteful thing. iroh taught her that sometimes getting lost helps you find what you needed. )

I can meet you at the entrance?

Yeah. Give me ten minutes.

( he's on the other side of the temple. but. it's korra. of course he'll run for her. )

( it takes her some time, too - the forest is always changing, but thanks to some avatar based, spiritually inclined senses, she finds the exit quickly enough. after that she's just waiting for him, nervously fiddling with the band on her wrist. )

( his arm's out of the sling. he can taste fire on his tongue and at his fingertips. the world's wrong, and his heart feels cracked open, with something molten poured in the space to stick two halves together. it's messy and searing and it's going to leave a scar, but.

he's there.

he doesn't say a word at first, no greetings or pleasantries. he just. goes up to her and takes her by the arms and pulls her into a hug, head tucked down against her. it's a protective, encompassing embrace, like he could fold her right into the narrow jutting bones of his ribcage.

he's had an answer since she asked. but he wasn't going to say it over the phone. )

Never.

( the sun will burn itself out first, before any part of his soul conceives of giving up on her. this means more than i love you, as much as that's true too. because i love you can be a lot of things to a lot of people, but never is forever. )

( she's glad he initiates it, because she wouldn't have - she knows mako's angry, and that anger doesn't just dissolve between two breaths and shared words. but, he hugs her, so that's a start. she curves inwards to him, face pressed on his shoulder, taking in a hard breath off the collar of his shirt. never, he says. her fingers clutch at the back of his shirt, squeezing him tightly. never.

when she pulls back, her eyebrows are knitted, fighting back emotion. a hand just softly cups his cheek, making sure their gaze is locked. )

Never.

( trust and devotion, it's a two-way street. korra's never is just as powerful as his, just as evidenced by the truth in her eyes. she squeezes his good arm, a soft, sad smile curling up on her lips.

she nods back, to the forest. )

Come on.

( of course he's angry. but it's never been such a terrible, towering thing that he can't still love her. that's really their fatal flaw. it doesn't matter how much they hurt each other, the love is still there. it's not as bright and fresh and new as it once was, he's learned all the things in her that are broken or bent. he knows her weaknesses and all her sundry strengths. he can look at her and know her.

she steps back and he lets her go, though when she touches his arm he reaches for her hand to lace their fingers. he won't kiss her again, he's grown out of a willingness to do that to anyone, much less to asami. but he can still hold her hand. he doesn't want to talk, but he'll let her lead him. )

( their fingers fold together. it's an innocent, sad thing, but despite hurt feelings a bruised hearts, she's still lucky to have him. she's grateful he hasn't given up on her, and grateful it seems like he never will. her free hand reaches out to brush some vines and tree stuff as she leads them through, turning out at a small freshwater pond with a few tell signs of korra having been here the past two days - mostly it's just an indented spot of grass where korra has been sitting and meditating.

she brings them to the edge of the water. turning gently to him, her gaze slips down to his arm, squinting a bit. )

Someone healed your arm?

( it's. peaceful here. he takes what feels like the first real breath in days, and feels the tension ebb from his shoulders as he takes it all in.

his fingers twitch a little as korra brings the attention to his arm, and he shrugs a bit, looking down at it. )

Princess Allura. It's not a hundred percent, but it's better than it was.

( she hums an understanding. princess allura. probably in a week she'll say, she's pretty, huh? but for right now it's still a little too fresh of a wound. her thumb rubs across mako's knuckles, nodding to the pond. )

No promises, but. Wanna give it a try?

( he sinks down onto the moss gathered at the edge of the pool. he is a city boy, born and bred. he has no love for ancient forests and wilderness, but he can appreciate them all the same. he reaches out and skims a palm past the water.

korra wants to heal him as penance. he knows how she wears it. he isn't cruel enough to turn her away, though the thought is there. he holds his hand out to her, knowing she will take it and pour over the palm. )

She restored flow of chi. I can bend with it again.

( it's here and gone. a brief moment of - jealousy, she's ashamed to admit. she wanted to be the one to heal mako, has felt guilty about not being able to do it since they've arrived. but once the jealousy subsides, self loathing takes its place. she probably shouldn't want these soft little nothings with him anyway. she should probably stop while she's toeing just barely ahead. it's hard, though, like asking the sun not to shine.

anyway, now she feels a little silly about offering. it probably won't do much good. but mako is allowing her to apologize however she can, so she'll swallow down what an idiot she feels like, and set to the task at hand. )

She must be a good healer.

( it isn't catty, it just is. she bends water up and out, laving a handful over mako's palm. with a deep breath, it lights up, and the soothing purr of healing water calms his palm, cleaning out his already cleared chi. it isn't doing much, but at least it doesn't feel bad. )

... Is there anything else you want to get off your chest?

( just kind of. silently prodding him. he had a little outburst - one that didn't exactly correlate to the issue at hand - and korra wouldn't be shocked to hear him bottling up some other irritations. )

Her healing is different than yours. It felt...

( he's silent for a moment, trying to work out how to articulate what he wants to say. it felt like allura reached inside him and pulled him apart at the seams until she'd found the damage and then she rewove the fibers of his muscles. it's been so long now since he's lived without the pain that he's surprised at how light he feels. the body can adjust to anything given enough time. mako watches as korra works, the glow of water across his skin. allura's healing felt alien, but korra's just. feels like home. )

I don't know. It was deeper.

( to that next question, the fingers of his left hand curl loosely against his palm. half a twitch. he gives her a dark look. )

What exactly do you want me to say, Korra?

( deeper. better, probably. that's fair - korra is by no means the best healer in the world, and she already has plenty of other talents registered under her name and title, that probably stealing any more would be overkill. she still bristles, a little, immature at the worst of times. the water drops and korra switches to fire, hands a hazy sort of burning, circling around his arm to sense for dark spirits, the way the fire sages had done to her after she lost her memory.

there isn't anything there. in short: this is about as healed as he's going to get, unless some other alien princess comes along and patches him up better. (not bitter.) )

I didn't—!

( she's on the defense immediately, sharp and loud, protective of the last shred of dignity she has left. but. her outburst just upsets her more, and she hangs her head, the jumpiness of the moment worn away like the tide on sand. )

I didn't mean it like that. I just ... it sounded like you were bottling that up for a long time. If I know anything about you, I know you're probably sitting on more that you just don't want to tell me. ( her shoulders rolls back, flames died down. her hand kind of lazily rests overtop his, not threading their fingers, thinking he'll probably push her away instead. ) You asked me to rely on our friendship, I think it's only fair that I ask the same from you.

( really really she's just waiting for him to say something about the asami thing. but there are another hundred traumas he's been through in the past long while, korra is sure he wouldn't have to dig far to find something he's never had the chance to talk about before. )

( the fire tingles, but it doesn't burn. he's never seen her do this part before, and so he actually does watch as it curls and licks along his skin. when she sits beside him, hand overtop his, and he just. doesn't know what to say.

things were getting better between them. it felt like... it felt like old times, and there was a part of him that was desperate to return to that. to the way everything used to be when they were younger and happier and knew less about the world than they do now. mako was never naive but all his worldliness was... built on a graveyard of pain and suffering. it wasn't until korra that he could see the lighter side of that. she brought him balance, and peace, and.

now, this. like it's a lesson he has to learn. it grates. he looks away. of course he was bottling it up for a long time. korra left, bolin too not long after. he and asami weren't exactly close, although he cares for her deeply it was just... hard, between them. the only thing mako's done with his life in the last three years is work, and work, and work, and live just a little too much like lin beifong.

he's a little angry, perhaps, at the fact that she's asking him to strip down and be vulnerable and bare his heart while still guarding her own, but. lashing out, they've both learned of each other, solves absolutely nothing. )

Can we just... not do this now, please? Anything I say is going to be spiteful. I don't think either of us need that. I need time to cool off.

Okay.

( it has to be okay, so that's what she says. obviously it hurts, but she's not in any position to complain about it, so she just nods her head, withdraws her hand, staring at the pointed bit of space between them. at least he hugged her, before. it seems like she's always going to agitate the peace between them. balance is a worldly concept - not a personal one. )

I can't do anything for your arm. ( she's solemn, apologetic. she can repair it about as well as she can repair their relationship, apparently - it's just another way she's failed. ) Maybe Katara could take a look.

Korra, it —

( he makes a soft, frustrated noise. but his voice is gentle when he speaks, )

When I woke up this morning, I thought I'd never be able to bend with it again. Now I can. Just because it's not perfect doesn't mean I can't live with it.

( maybe he's talking about the arm. maybe he isn't. the truth is, mako's never needed perfect. he just. needs her. and if that's how things are now between them, he'll take it and be happy for her. )

( regular cycles. korra childish and mako kind. she turns up a smile towards him, small but sincere, her perspective righted, a bit. it doesn't matter than korra wasn't the one to fix it, all that matters is that he has it now. she wouldn't be swift to steal that particular happiness away.

instead she nods. cracks herself open a little bit. )

When I lost my bending, I would've done anything to get it back.

( so she knows what it feels like - that particular bodily betrayal. moving the right ways but having nothing come out of it. korra shares a gaze with mako's shoulder, tentatively leaning her head down to rest on it, in case mako wants to deny her the touch. )

I'm glad yours got restored. Just in time for firebending to come back, right?

( there's a long, unsettled moment where it seems like he's going to push her away. he even lifts his hand up behind her back, but his fingers crumple at the last moment and instead he just strokes her hair.

she really shouldn't be comparing what amon did to her to him losing the use of one arm, but. that's korra, for you. undercutting her own experiences while putting more value on things lost to others. mako could get a papercut and to her it's a missing limb. )

I guess it's a good reminder. Gone but not lost. But it's nice to feel the sun again.

( in that particular way that firebenders do. )

( a gentle sound of understanding. gone but not lost. lost but not forgotten.

after that, they fall into a silence. korra, her head nestled on his shoulder, staring at the stale water pool before them. it’s a peaceful moment, but it’s riddled by parallel unhappiness - these are two forms who want to meet and match up, pieces to the same puzzle but not connected. they can try to mash themselves together a thousand times - the picture underneath will never line up.

mako will leave if she doesn’t say anything. she - doesn’t want that, even if his presence is like looking her mistakes in the eye and apologizing for every single one, endlessly on loop, but. having him far away would be worse, she decides. at the very least, she can offer an explanation.

at length, )

When I was. ( she pulls off mako, straightening up, tugging her shoes off so her toes can dip in the water, making a current of her own, idly. ) After Zaheer hurt me. I was — really sad. ( she sighs. ) I wanted to be angry. I tried to be angry. But I was just ... exhausted. By living, and by being the Avatar. It wasn’t just because he hurt me. It was ... the fact that he was right. The Earth Queen was terrible. Monarchs and dictators have always abused their power. We saw it in Ba Sing Se and — Avatar Wan showed me too. People with a social status will always abuse it, and I thought ... maybe I was abusing being the Avatar, too.

( a hand runs through her hair, anxiously. )

I don’t know. I felt so empty. Zaheer was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but even the — suffocation, and the poison didn’t compare to the after effects. I felt absolutely useless. Every day, I wanted to die. I couldn’t walk — I mean, I couldn’t dress myself. How was I supposed to be the Avatar? And then the letters came in. ( at this point she’s just rambling, speeding up the longer she goes on. ) At least they got me to feel something. Bolin was working with Kuvira, and Asami’s business was exploding, and you were telling me all about your cool cop things, and I was just — angry! I was so mad! I couldn’t move without my dad putting me in a chair, and all my friends were out there, saving the world. I. ( she looks over in mako’s direction and quickly looks away again, minding her reflection in the water. ) I wanted to be with you guys. You say I didn’t write, but it isn’t true. I wrote you a hundred times, but I couldn’t send any of them. I couldn’t lie to you.

( her hands lift up and cover her face again, concealing emotion. it isn’t fun to relive all this stuff but. if mako wants her to rely on him, that’s what this is. )

I couldn’t tell you the truth, either. It sounds dramatic, but I really thought I was going to die. I didn’t — I didn’t want your last memories of me to be of me suffering, every day, until I died. I just wanted to be the happy Korra you guys remembered, you know. Fighty and angry. Always winning. Once I finally got on my feet again, I went immediately to go see you. But, uh ... ( she rubs her eyes pointedly, a headache forming. she can’t remember if she ever told anyone this. ) That’s when the. Hallucinations started.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject