resistivity | inbox;

Yeah. Give me ten minutes.

( he's on the other side of the temple. but. it's korra. of course he'll run for her. )

( it takes her some time, too - the forest is always changing, but thanks to some avatar based, spiritually inclined senses, she finds the exit quickly enough. after that she's just waiting for him, nervously fiddling with the band on her wrist. )

( his arm's out of the sling. he can taste fire on his tongue and at his fingertips. the world's wrong, and his heart feels cracked open, with something molten poured in the space to stick two halves together. it's messy and searing and it's going to leave a scar, but.

he's there.

he doesn't say a word at first, no greetings or pleasantries. he just. goes up to her and takes her by the arms and pulls her into a hug, head tucked down against her. it's a protective, encompassing embrace, like he could fold her right into the narrow jutting bones of his ribcage.

he's had an answer since she asked. but he wasn't going to say it over the phone. )

Never.

( the sun will burn itself out first, before any part of his soul conceives of giving up on her. this means more than i love you, as much as that's true too. because i love you can be a lot of things to a lot of people, but never is forever. )

( she's glad he initiates it, because she wouldn't have - she knows mako's angry, and that anger doesn't just dissolve between two breaths and shared words. but, he hugs her, so that's a start. she curves inwards to him, face pressed on his shoulder, taking in a hard breath off the collar of his shirt. never, he says. her fingers clutch at the back of his shirt, squeezing him tightly. never.

when she pulls back, her eyebrows are knitted, fighting back emotion. a hand just softly cups his cheek, making sure their gaze is locked. )

Never.

( trust and devotion, it's a two-way street. korra's never is just as powerful as his, just as evidenced by the truth in her eyes. she squeezes his good arm, a soft, sad smile curling up on her lips.

she nods back, to the forest. )

Come on.

( of course he's angry. but it's never been such a terrible, towering thing that he can't still love her. that's really their fatal flaw. it doesn't matter how much they hurt each other, the love is still there. it's not as bright and fresh and new as it once was, he's learned all the things in her that are broken or bent. he knows her weaknesses and all her sundry strengths. he can look at her and know her.

she steps back and he lets her go, though when she touches his arm he reaches for her hand to lace their fingers. he won't kiss her again, he's grown out of a willingness to do that to anyone, much less to asami. but he can still hold her hand. he doesn't want to talk, but he'll let her lead him. )

( their fingers fold together. it's an innocent, sad thing, but despite hurt feelings a bruised hearts, she's still lucky to have him. she's grateful he hasn't given up on her, and grateful it seems like he never will. her free hand reaches out to brush some vines and tree stuff as she leads them through, turning out at a small freshwater pond with a few tell signs of korra having been here the past two days - mostly it's just an indented spot of grass where korra has been sitting and meditating.

she brings them to the edge of the water. turning gently to him, her gaze slips down to his arm, squinting a bit. )

Someone healed your arm?

( it's. peaceful here. he takes what feels like the first real breath in days, and feels the tension ebb from his shoulders as he takes it all in.

his fingers twitch a little as korra brings the attention to his arm, and he shrugs a bit, looking down at it. )

Princess Allura. It's not a hundred percent, but it's better than it was.

( she hums an understanding. princess allura. probably in a week she'll say, she's pretty, huh? but for right now it's still a little too fresh of a wound. her thumb rubs across mako's knuckles, nodding to the pond. )

No promises, but. Wanna give it a try?

( he sinks down onto the moss gathered at the edge of the pool. he is a city boy, born and bred. he has no love for ancient forests and wilderness, but he can appreciate them all the same. he reaches out and skims a palm past the water.

korra wants to heal him as penance. he knows how she wears it. he isn't cruel enough to turn her away, though the thought is there. he holds his hand out to her, knowing she will take it and pour over the palm. )

She restored flow of chi. I can bend with it again.

( it's here and gone. a brief moment of - jealousy, she's ashamed to admit. she wanted to be the one to heal mako, has felt guilty about not being able to do it since they've arrived. but once the jealousy subsides, self loathing takes its place. she probably shouldn't want these soft little nothings with him anyway. she should probably stop while she's toeing just barely ahead. it's hard, though, like asking the sun not to shine.

anyway, now she feels a little silly about offering. it probably won't do much good. but mako is allowing her to apologize however she can, so she'll swallow down what an idiot she feels like, and set to the task at hand. )

She must be a good healer.

( it isn't catty, it just is. she bends water up and out, laving a handful over mako's palm. with a deep breath, it lights up, and the soothing purr of healing water calms his palm, cleaning out his already cleared chi. it isn't doing much, but at least it doesn't feel bad. )

... Is there anything else you want to get off your chest?

( just kind of. silently prodding him. he had a little outburst - one that didn't exactly correlate to the issue at hand - and korra wouldn't be shocked to hear him bottling up some other irritations. )

Her healing is different than yours. It felt...

( he's silent for a moment, trying to work out how to articulate what he wants to say. it felt like allura reached inside him and pulled him apart at the seams until she'd found the damage and then she rewove the fibers of his muscles. it's been so long now since he's lived without the pain that he's surprised at how light he feels. the body can adjust to anything given enough time. mako watches as korra works, the glow of water across his skin. allura's healing felt alien, but korra's just. feels like home. )

I don't know. It was deeper.

( to that next question, the fingers of his left hand curl loosely against his palm. half a twitch. he gives her a dark look. )

What exactly do you want me to say, Korra?

( deeper. better, probably. that's fair - korra is by no means the best healer in the world, and she already has plenty of other talents registered under her name and title, that probably stealing any more would be overkill. she still bristles, a little, immature at the worst of times. the water drops and korra switches to fire, hands a hazy sort of burning, circling around his arm to sense for dark spirits, the way the fire sages had done to her after she lost her memory.

there isn't anything there. in short: this is about as healed as he's going to get, unless some other alien princess comes along and patches him up better. (not bitter.) )

I didn't—!

( she's on the defense immediately, sharp and loud, protective of the last shred of dignity she has left. but. her outburst just upsets her more, and she hangs her head, the jumpiness of the moment worn away like the tide on sand. )

I didn't mean it like that. I just ... it sounded like you were bottling that up for a long time. If I know anything about you, I know you're probably sitting on more that you just don't want to tell me. ( her shoulders rolls back, flames died down. her hand kind of lazily rests overtop his, not threading their fingers, thinking he'll probably push her away instead. ) You asked me to rely on our friendship, I think it's only fair that I ask the same from you.

( really really she's just waiting for him to say something about the asami thing. but there are another hundred traumas he's been through in the past long while, korra is sure he wouldn't have to dig far to find something he's never had the chance to talk about before. )

( the fire tingles, but it doesn't burn. he's never seen her do this part before, and so he actually does watch as it curls and licks along his skin. when she sits beside him, hand overtop his, and he just. doesn't know what to say.

things were getting better between them. it felt like... it felt like old times, and there was a part of him that was desperate to return to that. to the way everything used to be when they were younger and happier and knew less about the world than they do now. mako was never naive but all his worldliness was... built on a graveyard of pain and suffering. it wasn't until korra that he could see the lighter side of that. she brought him balance, and peace, and.

now, this. like it's a lesson he has to learn. it grates. he looks away. of course he was bottling it up for a long time. korra left, bolin too not long after. he and asami weren't exactly close, although he cares for her deeply it was just... hard, between them. the only thing mako's done with his life in the last three years is work, and work, and work, and live just a little too much like lin beifong.

he's a little angry, perhaps, at the fact that she's asking him to strip down and be vulnerable and bare his heart while still guarding her own, but. lashing out, they've both learned of each other, solves absolutely nothing. )

Can we just... not do this now, please? Anything I say is going to be spiteful. I don't think either of us need that. I need time to cool off.

Okay.

( it has to be okay, so that's what she says. obviously it hurts, but she's not in any position to complain about it, so she just nods her head, withdraws her hand, staring at the pointed bit of space between them. at least he hugged her, before. it seems like she's always going to agitate the peace between them. balance is a worldly concept - not a personal one. )

I can't do anything for your arm. ( she's solemn, apologetic. she can repair it about as well as she can repair their relationship, apparently - it's just another way she's failed. ) Maybe Katara could take a look.

Korra, it —

( he makes a soft, frustrated noise. but his voice is gentle when he speaks, )

When I woke up this morning, I thought I'd never be able to bend with it again. Now I can. Just because it's not perfect doesn't mean I can't live with it.

( maybe he's talking about the arm. maybe he isn't. the truth is, mako's never needed perfect. he just. needs her. and if that's how things are now between them, he'll take it and be happy for her. )

( regular cycles. korra childish and mako kind. she turns up a smile towards him, small but sincere, her perspective righted, a bit. it doesn't matter than korra wasn't the one to fix it, all that matters is that he has it now. she wouldn't be swift to steal that particular happiness away.

instead she nods. cracks herself open a little bit. )

When I lost my bending, I would've done anything to get it back.

( so she knows what it feels like - that particular bodily betrayal. moving the right ways but having nothing come out of it. korra shares a gaze with mako's shoulder, tentatively leaning her head down to rest on it, in case mako wants to deny her the touch. )

I'm glad yours got restored. Just in time for firebending to come back, right?

( there's a long, unsettled moment where it seems like he's going to push her away. he even lifts his hand up behind her back, but his fingers crumple at the last moment and instead he just strokes her hair.

she really shouldn't be comparing what amon did to her to him losing the use of one arm, but. that's korra, for you. undercutting her own experiences while putting more value on things lost to others. mako could get a papercut and to her it's a missing limb. )

I guess it's a good reminder. Gone but not lost. But it's nice to feel the sun again.

( in that particular way that firebenders do. )

( a gentle sound of understanding. gone but not lost. lost but not forgotten.

after that, they fall into a silence. korra, her head nestled on his shoulder, staring at the stale water pool before them. it’s a peaceful moment, but it’s riddled by parallel unhappiness - these are two forms who want to meet and match up, pieces to the same puzzle but not connected. they can try to mash themselves together a thousand times - the picture underneath will never line up.

mako will leave if she doesn’t say anything. she - doesn’t want that, even if his presence is like looking her mistakes in the eye and apologizing for every single one, endlessly on loop, but. having him far away would be worse, she decides. at the very least, she can offer an explanation.

at length, )

When I was. ( she pulls off mako, straightening up, tugging her shoes off so her toes can dip in the water, making a current of her own, idly. ) After Zaheer hurt me. I was — really sad. ( she sighs. ) I wanted to be angry. I tried to be angry. But I was just ... exhausted. By living, and by being the Avatar. It wasn’t just because he hurt me. It was ... the fact that he was right. The Earth Queen was terrible. Monarchs and dictators have always abused their power. We saw it in Ba Sing Se and — Avatar Wan showed me too. People with a social status will always abuse it, and I thought ... maybe I was abusing being the Avatar, too.

( a hand runs through her hair, anxiously. )

I don’t know. I felt so empty. Zaheer was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but even the — suffocation, and the poison didn’t compare to the after effects. I felt absolutely useless. Every day, I wanted to die. I couldn’t walk — I mean, I couldn’t dress myself. How was I supposed to be the Avatar? And then the letters came in. ( at this point she’s just rambling, speeding up the longer she goes on. ) At least they got me to feel something. Bolin was working with Kuvira, and Asami’s business was exploding, and you were telling me all about your cool cop things, and I was just — angry! I was so mad! I couldn’t move without my dad putting me in a chair, and all my friends were out there, saving the world. I. ( she looks over in mako’s direction and quickly looks away again, minding her reflection in the water. ) I wanted to be with you guys. You say I didn’t write, but it isn’t true. I wrote you a hundred times, but I couldn’t send any of them. I couldn’t lie to you.

( her hands lift up and cover her face again, concealing emotion. it isn’t fun to relive all this stuff but. if mako wants her to rely on him, that’s what this is. )

I couldn’t tell you the truth, either. It sounds dramatic, but I really thought I was going to die. I didn’t — I didn’t want your last memories of me to be of me suffering, every day, until I died. I just wanted to be the happy Korra you guys remembered, you know. Fighty and angry. Always winning. Once I finally got on my feet again, I went immediately to go see you. But, uh ... ( she rubs her eyes pointedly, a headache forming. she can’t remember if she ever told anyone this. ) That’s when the. Hallucinations started.

( he's silent. letting her talk. she dips her feet into the pool and mako, at length, pulls his shoes off too to do the same. he doesn't love water the way she does, but it's... a companion, in a way, and he eases in up to the ankles, watching the way the water distorts.

he just listens. when she mentions the letters, he reaches out to put his hand atop hers, rubbing at her knuckles. because even if they aren't. dating. he still knows how she likes to be touched.

it's. hard. hearing that. but maybe not for the reason she would think. he absolutely hates the idea of her being in pain, of her suffering, the mere thought of her wanting to die. but. there are other things there, too, woven into the fabric of who he is versus who she is, that just can't line up on these issues. the jagged edges don't align. he hears, i wished i could have crawled into a hole to die and mako realizes that she's never. lost anyone. not really.

because he understands that no matter how wretched you are, no matter how terrible those hours might be, when you have the choice between letting someone go or holding them tightly, you always chose to hold them. always. it's not about memories, it's not about maintaining a perfect image of who they are or were, it's. it's about being there. it's about loving them. you fight for every minute you get to spend, every breath. in a way, he's glad she never had to learn that the hard way. but as much as his hurt is for her, there's. one small, faint whisper of it that makes him sad for the child he was, the man he could have been.

he closes his eyes, and feels about ten thousand years old. it's a weight in his chest, lead-heavy, and breathing is. a struggle. he shifts, from holding her hand to wrapping his arm around her shoulders pulling her in. )

I love you.

( it's worth saying. soft affirmation. he does love her. always will. and if she dies before him he'll love the next avatar, too. but doing so would break him in a way that couldn't be mended. )

But what I choose, or Bolin chooses to remember of you isn't for you to decide. I know how hard it must have been, living like that. But you weren't... protecting me by staying away, Korra. I would rather have been there. A million times over if it meant sharing even an ounce of that burden with you. I can take you being angry, or hating me, or wanting to die, or feeling useless. The only thing I can't take is dead.

( it's the one intolerance, the one unconscionable outcome. )

I know you don't want people to see you when you're vulnerable. Believe me, I get that. But being vulnerable is just... being human. You might be the Avatar, but you're still human ( a soft tap of her shoulder for emphasis, ) first. There's nothing shameful in needing help. If you'd do anything for someone, you have to respect them enough to accept that they might want to do the same for you.

( korra wouldn't have left his side, if he'd been the one poisoned. he doesn't think he could have sent her away for anything. he feels like a really lousy person, much less a friend, realizing that. and so he shakes his head. )

What's this about hallucinations?

( she loves him, too. forever. he doesn't really give her to space to return the sentiment, but she does, anyway interlocking their fingers, brushing her thumb over his knuckles. he knows how he likes to be touched too - with surety, to make up for his lack of it. )

I know that. ( a noisy breath. ) Now. Back then it felt like I was burdening everyone just by breathing.

( even mako. he didn't do anything to make her believe that, obviously, but they all looked at her with pitying eyes - her father with his you look beautiful even though she looked like trash, tenzin with his you get stronger everyday even though the opposite was true. worst of all, the president, telling her she looked better - she didn't have to be a born earthbender to know he was lying, worried about the state of affairs. reiterating the fact that if korra can't bend, she can't protect anyone, and if she can't protect anyone, as the avatar it is her responsibility to die. at the end of the day, asami was the only one who went out of her way to reassure her. she took her hand, offered to travel to the south tribe with her, just because she didn't want korra to be alone. she didn't fill her head with lies of beauty, or vanity - she only ever said it's okay to not be okay and left it at that.

that's the thing, about asami. goodness is embedded in her soul, deeper than the parts where raava sits in korra's. for every terrible thing korra has ever done to her, the worst she ever did was snap when she came back after three years, critiquing her life choices. that someone as beautiful as her, inside and out, could look at korra and just - see more than a big, stupid, idiot, is. something korra doesn't fully know what to do with. her heart is singing in twain with it's break.

her face scrunches up. she just. silently cries, and doesn't draw attention to it, and hopes mako doesn't notice. one arm wraps around his middle, the other flaring her fingers out towards the water. there's a current beneath their feet that makes small waves form, lapping the stone side of the pond with every pull. )

I ... I don't know. It was probably in my head. But at the same time ... I don't think it was. ( her face isn't wavering even though she has tears striping down her cheeks, pain born at the idea of. doing anything to wrong mako. who has literally molded his life to doing right by her. ) My Avatar Spirit, I guess. She was telling me I couldn't go back. ( to republic city. but also - the public eye in general. she had to grow, apart from the avatar. ) I saw her the way I looked when I fought Zaheer, just. Angry. And ... scary, too. The most scared I've ever been of myself. She fought me off the port of Republic City, and in some earthbending boxing ring. I had a fight in an alleyway with a ghost, which — ha, got me some funny looks.

She brought me to Toph, though, so. I guess she ended up helping me.

( a lazy shrug, and a loud sniiiiiiiff which is the only hint at her crying. she throws her head a little more firmly against mako's shoulder, eyes shutting. )

I think that's pretty much my whole three years.

( she's crying. he pretends not to notice, at least for now, because it's really the only thing he can give her. but his hand, the one allura healed, is just idly stroking her hair. there are gulfs, rifts between them now where there used to be nothing but skin and soul and he misses that. he does. but he can live with this. korra needs him. he will always come for her.

a normal person he might actually think was just hallucinating. but korra's not and never has been normal. maybe it was the avatar spirit. maybe it was anything. he can't say definitively one way or another. he does, finally, pull himself away from her, taking her cheeks in his palms, thumbing at the streaks of her tears. he's soft, as he leans in to kiss her forehead. )

Sometimes... I think about how it used to be, you know? It was so easy when the only thing we had to worry about was winning our next pro-bending match. What happened to those kids, huh?

( she doesn't need to keep talking about it, but he knows why she chose to. and as much as he's sorry for causing her the pain of dredging it up, he hopes it does help, in some small way. for her to know she isn't alone. )

( her faces struggles to maintain itself once he grabs her cheeks, but after the kiss it's a losing fight. it's the type of thing she was never responsive to before - she would've sooner punched mako's arm and reminded him that she isn't delicate, than crack herself open and peel back the premature petals of an unbloomed flower. but. a lot has changed. more than anything in the world, korra's just - wanted someone she could cry at, be vulnerable with. someone who could nod with her and say yes, what happened to you was terrible, and you didn't deserve it.

mako's always been here, but she's never let herself rely on him like this. it's just. a little step. four years in the making. )

I know! ( it's a little choked. her hands come up to cup his at her cheeks, nodding into them. ) We interrupted that city meeting just to tell them not to cancel the tournament. I wish — we could go back.

( it was easier, then. just to exist. they weren't worried about amon, they just wanted to play, and win, and enjoy the prizes. korra cranes into him, pulling him into a more traditional hug - arms around his waist, she bends her tears away so he don't stain his clothes. )

I never know what I'm doing, or what's right, or up or down. But I know I love you, forever, and you'll always be my best, first friend.

( other than naga. )

You were my first friend too.

( mako didn't do friends, before korra. he had bolin, and that was his whole world. everyone else was... expendable, as far as he was concerned. he was absolutely mercenary in his thoughts, and she changed that. changed him. he'd be so different without her in his life, and the thought of losing her wells up inside him again. he'll never be rid of it. all the times he's watched her suffer and hurt and nearly die, he'll have nightmares until he dies. amon towering over her, his hand at her forehead, watching her slump to the ground. a surge of dark spirits towards her body as she battled unalaq. just. everything. everything. she's angry? he's furious. the world has taken so much from her and given so little back, and it still feels like part of her is sitting there thinking she deserved it.

before he realizes it, he's crying too. again. for the second time today. wow, he is setting records or something. he hasn't cried over. anything, really, since he was about nine years old. )

We'll figure it out together, Korra. Okay? ( he snuffles too, not even caring how obvious it is. they're having a moment, it's allowed. ) I'm so sorry I couldn't be there to protect you from Zaheer. You've put so much good into the world, and all it's given you back is just suffering and pain. You deserve so much more than that. I want you to be happy.

( alright, no more pussyfooting over hugs. the second mako starts crying, korra rights herself, effectively switching from being hugged to doing the hugging. her arms wrap over his shoulders, and although she's shorter by a few inches even while sitting, she tugs him into her, squeezing him almost tight enough to hurt.

for all that mako claims korra offsets her suffering in favor of others, mako is incapable of recognizing it in himself. he's someone who lives, breathes, and dies for the people around him - who measures his worth in accordance to his usefulness to the people nearby. korra isn't the only one who's suffered without a cause, who has been burnt by the cruelties of man and the inevitability of pain. mako keeps his hurt out of the limelight, hidden in the back alleyways of psyche and mind, but it's there. korra can sense it off him like a radiating aura. )

You wanna know something? ( she laughs - a little goofily. a little more sincerely than its been in the past few days. ) I'm happy when you're happy.

( he's a cop, he's never happy. he might've made the quip, if they were on solid footing. instead, he just... laughs with her. )

Well, I'll try harder, then. But really, if you want happy, you'd be better off spending more time with Bolin.

( wow, what a hug. korra never really has known her own strength, but he doesn't mind. it's nice to be held, even if hurts. he leans on her, letting her take a bit of his weight and just curls his hands up around her shoulders. )

I'm sorry I kissed you. I should have known better, it's. It's just. I can't imagine my life without you, and sometimes I just get so confused... ( a deep breath. he's excised the pain, or at least the worst of it all. ) At least I know now. I really do hope you and Asami can make it work. I want the world for you both.

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