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( he's silent. letting her talk. she dips her feet into the pool and mako, at length, pulls his shoes off too to do the same. he doesn't love water the way she does, but it's... a companion, in a way, and he eases in up to the ankles, watching the way the water distorts.

he just listens. when she mentions the letters, he reaches out to put his hand atop hers, rubbing at her knuckles. because even if they aren't. dating. he still knows how she likes to be touched.

it's. hard. hearing that. but maybe not for the reason she would think. he absolutely hates the idea of her being in pain, of her suffering, the mere thought of her wanting to die. but. there are other things there, too, woven into the fabric of who he is versus who she is, that just can't line up on these issues. the jagged edges don't align. he hears, i wished i could have crawled into a hole to die and mako realizes that she's never. lost anyone. not really.

because he understands that no matter how wretched you are, no matter how terrible those hours might be, when you have the choice between letting someone go or holding them tightly, you always chose to hold them. always. it's not about memories, it's not about maintaining a perfect image of who they are or were, it's. it's about being there. it's about loving them. you fight for every minute you get to spend, every breath. in a way, he's glad she never had to learn that the hard way. but as much as his hurt is for her, there's. one small, faint whisper of it that makes him sad for the child he was, the man he could have been.

he closes his eyes, and feels about ten thousand years old. it's a weight in his chest, lead-heavy, and breathing is. a struggle. he shifts, from holding her hand to wrapping his arm around her shoulders pulling her in. )

I love you.

( it's worth saying. soft affirmation. he does love her. always will. and if she dies before him he'll love the next avatar, too. but doing so would break him in a way that couldn't be mended. )

But what I choose, or Bolin chooses to remember of you isn't for you to decide. I know how hard it must have been, living like that. But you weren't... protecting me by staying away, Korra. I would rather have been there. A million times over if it meant sharing even an ounce of that burden with you. I can take you being angry, or hating me, or wanting to die, or feeling useless. The only thing I can't take is dead.

( it's the one intolerance, the one unconscionable outcome. )

I know you don't want people to see you when you're vulnerable. Believe me, I get that. But being vulnerable is just... being human. You might be the Avatar, but you're still human ( a soft tap of her shoulder for emphasis, ) first. There's nothing shameful in needing help. If you'd do anything for someone, you have to respect them enough to accept that they might want to do the same for you.

( korra wouldn't have left his side, if he'd been the one poisoned. he doesn't think he could have sent her away for anything. he feels like a really lousy person, much less a friend, realizing that. and so he shakes his head. )

What's this about hallucinations?

( she loves him, too. forever. he doesn't really give her to space to return the sentiment, but she does, anyway interlocking their fingers, brushing her thumb over his knuckles. he knows how he likes to be touched too - with surety, to make up for his lack of it. )

I know that. ( a noisy breath. ) Now. Back then it felt like I was burdening everyone just by breathing.

( even mako. he didn't do anything to make her believe that, obviously, but they all looked at her with pitying eyes - her father with his you look beautiful even though she looked like trash, tenzin with his you get stronger everyday even though the opposite was true. worst of all, the president, telling her she looked better - she didn't have to be a born earthbender to know he was lying, worried about the state of affairs. reiterating the fact that if korra can't bend, she can't protect anyone, and if she can't protect anyone, as the avatar it is her responsibility to die. at the end of the day, asami was the only one who went out of her way to reassure her. she took her hand, offered to travel to the south tribe with her, just because she didn't want korra to be alone. she didn't fill her head with lies of beauty, or vanity - she only ever said it's okay to not be okay and left it at that.

that's the thing, about asami. goodness is embedded in her soul, deeper than the parts where raava sits in korra's. for every terrible thing korra has ever done to her, the worst she ever did was snap when she came back after three years, critiquing her life choices. that someone as beautiful as her, inside and out, could look at korra and just - see more than a big, stupid, idiot, is. something korra doesn't fully know what to do with. her heart is singing in twain with it's break.

her face scrunches up. she just. silently cries, and doesn't draw attention to it, and hopes mako doesn't notice. one arm wraps around his middle, the other flaring her fingers out towards the water. there's a current beneath their feet that makes small waves form, lapping the stone side of the pond with every pull. )

I ... I don't know. It was probably in my head. But at the same time ... I don't think it was. ( her face isn't wavering even though she has tears striping down her cheeks, pain born at the idea of. doing anything to wrong mako. who has literally molded his life to doing right by her. ) My Avatar Spirit, I guess. She was telling me I couldn't go back. ( to republic city. but also - the public eye in general. she had to grow, apart from the avatar. ) I saw her the way I looked when I fought Zaheer, just. Angry. And ... scary, too. The most scared I've ever been of myself. She fought me off the port of Republic City, and in some earthbending boxing ring. I had a fight in an alleyway with a ghost, which — ha, got me some funny looks.

She brought me to Toph, though, so. I guess she ended up helping me.

( a lazy shrug, and a loud sniiiiiiiff which is the only hint at her crying. she throws her head a little more firmly against mako's shoulder, eyes shutting. )

I think that's pretty much my whole three years.

( she's crying. he pretends not to notice, at least for now, because it's really the only thing he can give her. but his hand, the one allura healed, is just idly stroking her hair. there are gulfs, rifts between them now where there used to be nothing but skin and soul and he misses that. he does. but he can live with this. korra needs him. he will always come for her.

a normal person he might actually think was just hallucinating. but korra's not and never has been normal. maybe it was the avatar spirit. maybe it was anything. he can't say definitively one way or another. he does, finally, pull himself away from her, taking her cheeks in his palms, thumbing at the streaks of her tears. he's soft, as he leans in to kiss her forehead. )

Sometimes... I think about how it used to be, you know? It was so easy when the only thing we had to worry about was winning our next pro-bending match. What happened to those kids, huh?

( she doesn't need to keep talking about it, but he knows why she chose to. and as much as he's sorry for causing her the pain of dredging it up, he hopes it does help, in some small way. for her to know she isn't alone. )

( her faces struggles to maintain itself once he grabs her cheeks, but after the kiss it's a losing fight. it's the type of thing she was never responsive to before - she would've sooner punched mako's arm and reminded him that she isn't delicate, than crack herself open and peel back the premature petals of an unbloomed flower. but. a lot has changed. more than anything in the world, korra's just - wanted someone she could cry at, be vulnerable with. someone who could nod with her and say yes, what happened to you was terrible, and you didn't deserve it.

mako's always been here, but she's never let herself rely on him like this. it's just. a little step. four years in the making. )

I know! ( it's a little choked. her hands come up to cup his at her cheeks, nodding into them. ) We interrupted that city meeting just to tell them not to cancel the tournament. I wish — we could go back.

( it was easier, then. just to exist. they weren't worried about amon, they just wanted to play, and win, and enjoy the prizes. korra cranes into him, pulling him into a more traditional hug - arms around his waist, she bends her tears away so he don't stain his clothes. )

I never know what I'm doing, or what's right, or up or down. But I know I love you, forever, and you'll always be my best, first friend.

( other than naga. )

You were my first friend too.

( mako didn't do friends, before korra. he had bolin, and that was his whole world. everyone else was... expendable, as far as he was concerned. he was absolutely mercenary in his thoughts, and she changed that. changed him. he'd be so different without her in his life, and the thought of losing her wells up inside him again. he'll never be rid of it. all the times he's watched her suffer and hurt and nearly die, he'll have nightmares until he dies. amon towering over her, his hand at her forehead, watching her slump to the ground. a surge of dark spirits towards her body as she battled unalaq. just. everything. everything. she's angry? he's furious. the world has taken so much from her and given so little back, and it still feels like part of her is sitting there thinking she deserved it.

before he realizes it, he's crying too. again. for the second time today. wow, he is setting records or something. he hasn't cried over. anything, really, since he was about nine years old. )

We'll figure it out together, Korra. Okay? ( he snuffles too, not even caring how obvious it is. they're having a moment, it's allowed. ) I'm so sorry I couldn't be there to protect you from Zaheer. You've put so much good into the world, and all it's given you back is just suffering and pain. You deserve so much more than that. I want you to be happy.

( alright, no more pussyfooting over hugs. the second mako starts crying, korra rights herself, effectively switching from being hugged to doing the hugging. her arms wrap over his shoulders, and although she's shorter by a few inches even while sitting, she tugs him into her, squeezing him almost tight enough to hurt.

for all that mako claims korra offsets her suffering in favor of others, mako is incapable of recognizing it in himself. he's someone who lives, breathes, and dies for the people around him - who measures his worth in accordance to his usefulness to the people nearby. korra isn't the only one who's suffered without a cause, who has been burnt by the cruelties of man and the inevitability of pain. mako keeps his hurt out of the limelight, hidden in the back alleyways of psyche and mind, but it's there. korra can sense it off him like a radiating aura. )

You wanna know something? ( she laughs - a little goofily. a little more sincerely than its been in the past few days. ) I'm happy when you're happy.

( he's a cop, he's never happy. he might've made the quip, if they were on solid footing. instead, he just... laughs with her. )

Well, I'll try harder, then. But really, if you want happy, you'd be better off spending more time with Bolin.

( wow, what a hug. korra never really has known her own strength, but he doesn't mind. it's nice to be held, even if hurts. he leans on her, letting her take a bit of his weight and just curls his hands up around her shoulders. )

I'm sorry I kissed you. I should have known better, it's. It's just. I can't imagine my life without you, and sometimes I just get so confused... ( a deep breath. he's excised the pain, or at least the worst of it all. ) At least I know now. I really do hope you and Asami can make it work. I want the world for you both.

( she'll always love bolin!! but they're less likely to hold each other and cry over emotions, than they are over a lack of noodles in the general vicinity of where they are.

her hugs lessens. it's - more embarrassing, than anything else, and her tears swiftly move into shy smiles, as she pulls gingerly back. a hand cups mako's cheek, thumbs wiping away the length of his tears. )

Don't be sorry.

( asami's a business woman. if she were here, she'd lay out the facts and present it in a way mako couldn't refute. as it stands, it's just korra, who is. just a little bit out of her element. ( and what a weird feeling that is! ) )

I was asking for it. Don't be sorry. And — I'm not mad. ( her hand pulls back, vaguely gesturing between them. ) Me and Asami have talked about — it. You know. Your two ex-girlfriends don't talk about getting together without talking about ... it.

( literally it sounds like you're talking about his dick, korra. she gets a little flustered with herself. )

I mean! Our feelings. Our feelings for you. That's what I'm talking about.

( that. honestly sounds like. mako's worst nightmares. you know what? he thought it was korra dying, but it's actually korra and asami talking about his dick. please no. please never.

he just sort of instantly looks as if the most interesting thing in the world is now something way over there in the distance and look he's even squinting at it to prove it. he's a detective!! he detects things!! things that are over there, far away, and have absolutely nothing to do with korra and asami talking about him. )

Uh. Oh? You have? I. Uh. That's. Nice.

( facepalm. Why,

it is pretty cute though. korra shakes her head, cracking a smile at him. please don't be awkward. you're going to make korra awkward. )

We both love you, Mako. Like — that, you know.

( she rubs the back of her neck. )

Look, we just. We talked about it! ( it!!!!!! ) The three of us. I don't want to confuse you more, okay. Whenever ... we see Asami again, she'll do a better job than me at explaining this.

( he actually. puts his hands over his ears. it's not really to block out the sound so much as drag his fingers up into his hair so it sticks out all over in a ridiculous, ruffled mess. )

Korra! I really don't think this is something we need to be — getting into right now!

( he sounds so strangled. pls no. send help. he would give anything for bolin to just run past them and canonball into the pool as a distraction. why can't he summon his brother with sheer force of will. )

( nevermind, be as awkward as you want, korra is currently living for it. she shares a bright smile with him, and it's entirely as his expense, but. korra doesn't feel overwhelmingly guilty. she stretches her arms out, crosses her hands behind her head, and flops back down on the lush green grass behind them, smiling up at the sun peeking barely through the stained glass windows of the trees. )

All I'm saying is, when she finds out we kissed, she'll probably just be mad she wasn't here to watch.

( a hand reaches out and thwaps him softly on the side. )

Ease up, soldier!

( he flops down beside her, groaning loudly as he covers his face with his hands. this is classic, peak not now, boner behavior. if mako was even a little less disciplined than he is he'd be doing the ol' waistband tuck right about now. )

I am going to throw you in that pond if you keep this up. I mean it.

I'd love to see you try.

( korra is. very much enjoying this. not even just the teasing, but the way they fall back into each other, as if the past 48 hours haven't been entwined with anxiety, and korra thinking mako hates her, and. a whole lot of re-remembering old wounds that never really healed. korra's on her back but facing him, smiling at him, watching the sun dapple his skin in light.

she takes a little mercy. )

Just think about it. No pressure, okay? I know it's ... super weird, but. ( her expression softens, smile a little sweeter. ) We've all been through a lot. I think we've all earned some good. ( and then she gets wolfish again, eyes alight. ) Oh, and it'd be good —

( he doesn't really want to think about it. his relationship with asami was a first in a lot of ways, but. he can't really forget (or more importantly, forgive himself for) how often and badly he hurt her. )

It's not weird.

( he does want to reassure her of that. he doesn't really know if she's referring to herself and asami, or... the three of them together, but he's still not going to let her get away with calling anything she wants an aberration.

he ends up with his arm draped over his eyes, but he reaches out for her with his other hand, finding the path of her elbow down to her wrist. twining their fingers together like he needs it just to breathe. )

I just. I don't know if I can really. Face her. After everything.

( she eases up at that. it’s a little softer than the fluster of his embarrassment, and her fingers ease against his, squeezing him reassuringly. she’s facing him, expression an understanding kind of calm. she’s only ever hurt asami, too. but - at a certain point, you have to accept the forgiveness that’s given to you, no matter how difficult it is to swallow. )

If she wants you to, don’t you owe it to her?

( it’s how korra accepted the love that was offered up. asami wanted her, despite the faults in their past. korra rolls her shoulders, kissed by the grass. )

Maybe you should date around, see what you want. It might be fun! We get to be, like, normal for once while we’re here.

I don't know. I'd. Have to talk to her about it. I mean, what if she shows up and she's from ten years in the future? Or four years ago, before Amon? It's a mess. I can't think about this right now.

( there's a frustrated noise, and he just rips a bit of grass out by the roots, shakes it off his hands.

spirits. what even is normal? mako has no idea anymore. 'normal' for him is still... living in a garbage heap, scrounging out of bins, stealing clothing off washing lines because he grew like a weed and going barefoot for want of shoes. being hungry all the time. it doesn't matter how long he's been off the streets, that's still what his mind defaults to.

and then what, dating asami and korra at the same time isn't enough for him to think about, but. other people, too? he's not sure if he can even care about anyone else when all his love is tied up in the girls and bolin. it's a finite resource for him, he isn't... wired like bolin and korra and even asami, who can be so gracious and good and open. who can love endlessly, accepting the consequences in doing so. )

Korra, 'normal' for me just means working a hundred hours a week busting crooks in Republic City.

( they're being honest with each other, right? well, that's his admission. mako has never known or... understood how to live for himself. it seems ridiculous to consider who he is when he's not making himself indispensable to someone because he's. afraid the answer is nothing. )

Edited 2018-09-26 19:57 (UTC)

( she hasn't thought about all those what ifs, even if they're plausible outcomes. honestly, the thought hadn't even crossed her mind until mako put it to words, but - no, she's not going to consider it. she'll go crazy with possibilities if she does. the universe wants the two ( and three ) of them to be together. if she ever showed up here, it'd be with a full understanding of her feelings towards korra.

he is right, though. it's between him and asami. korra lets the subject drop, although she'll likely be thinking about it hours after this.

that second part gives her pause. her fingers trace the calloused bumps of mako's knuckles softly, although her expression is sort of torn at the seams, eyebrows knitted. with a little bewilderment, she opens her mouth and shuts it aptly. opens it again. )

You've always been more than just a cop.

( this is mako. he's the guy who always has her back, no question about. the one who makes sure they all eat during stakeouts, the first to offer up his coat if anyone's shivering, the last to tuck in at night until everyone else is safely in bed. mako has a pretty face, but the most handsome thing about him has always been his heart, that parental type of protection he insists over them and the entirety of republic city, like a watchful guardian. korra knows he takes his job seriously, but ... she's been gone for a few years. she wasn't there to see it turn from an occupation into a lifestyle. )

I know being here won't always be easy, but ... when was the last time you had fun, Mako? Before we got here.

( why is everyone so obsessed with him having fun? it's not like it's a fundamental need. there's nothing necessary about it. mako heaves a sigh, and tucks his free hand beneath his head to prop it up. he's still looking up at the sky like he'll find the answers to the universe tucked into the luminous scrollwork of clouds dotting the skyline. )

I guess... that pro-bending match we all did for charity, after Harmonic Convergence? Where we finally beat Tahno's smug face?

( he's aware of how pathetic that sounds. it was three years ago. don't @ him. )

I've just been so busy, Korra. There hasn't been time, and —

( bolin was gone. korra was gone. asami was travelling the world promoting future industries. mako would just. make shitty instant noodles in his shitty apartment and sleep on his shitty mattress and go to work and do it all over again. there was no room in his life for anything but that.

but that would just make her feel guilty all over again, so he trails off with a frustrated sigh. )

I'm the stuffy, boring one, remember? 'I had fun once, it nearly killed me'?

( he is definitely... imitating bolin's imitation of him. whoops. )

Edited 2018-09-28 03:41 (UTC)

( she doesn't think it's pathetic. if anything it's ... indisputably, the kind of thing to be expected of mako when no one is there to keep him in check. he's always tossed himself headfirst into whatever he's doing - pro-bending, policework, the various avatar stunts korra has dragged him into. he'd drown himself in paperwork sooner than he'd take a personal day. korra lets out a loud, drawn out sigh, shaking her head.

they all failed each other, in all manner of different ways. korra's acknowledging what a shitty friend she's been to him for the past long while. at least - instead of getting sad about it, she's opting to make up for lost time. )

You're a thousand things, but boring has never been one of them.

( she'll fight anyone who says otherwise. twisting on her side, she faces him, free hand protecting her cheek from the tickle of grass. )

Okay, how about, when was the last time you had a vacation?

( please don't say never. please do not say never. )

I mean...

( it's never. it is definitely never. at least he doesn't just say that. instead, he wrinkles his nose, obviously trying to sift through his memories for anything... vaguely vacation-like. )

That Festival at the South Pole? And I had a few weeks off for my arm, before Varrick's wedding.

Out of commission is not a vacation.

( she has good memories of the south pole, though. when ... she wasn't being a little bratty in his direction, honestly. she still has a fondness for that sky bison stuffed animal.

heaving up, korra scoots in closer to him, effectively blocking out the sun he's looking at with her big, dumb face. she raises her eyebrows, encouragingly. )

Pretend this is a vacation, while we're here. You're allowed to ... you know. Not clock into work everyday. Maybe sleep in sometimes. Eat fire chips in bed. Go on dates with people. ( korra squeezes his hand, reassuringly. ) You're going to go crazy if you just cook and clean all the time.

( his mouth twists off to one side in self-directed frustration. )

Korra... it's not that easy.

( she makes it sound like it is. but. every fiber of his being absolutely rebels at the idea. if he stops moving, that's when the past catches up with him, crashes into him, that's when he has to actually sit down and think about all the things he's done, all the mistakes he's made. )

You know it's not.

( she knows him so well. maybe better than anyone. they've seen all the ugliness in each other and somehow they still see each other shining. )

( from idly amused to tentatively worried, her expression drops. it doesn't sound all that difficult to her, but. she and mako are different people. she might be tuned into his radiowaves, but he operates on a different channel, apart from hers. she can only watch him as he tears himself slowly apart, leaving pieces for everyone, and nothing for himself.

no, korra doesn't accept that. she'll die before she gives up on trying to keep mako drawn into the light. )

I know.

( she thumps him on the side. )

Try? Me and Bolin love you more than you'll ever know, but it's not a bad idea to make some friends outside of the circle while you're here. Friend friends, not just you being a detective at everyone.

( except he does know. he carries love like a burden — he's never doubted once in his heart or mind or soul that korra and bolin would both die for him, given the chance. and it's. it's terrifying, to stare that possibility in the eye. like facing down koh in the spirit world, barely breathing. fear in every line of your body. he can't survive loss. he had to, once.

he reaches for her and says nothing, just sits up and pulls her into a hug. it feels good to use both arms to embrace her. )

Okay. I'll try.

( he says that mashed up against her shoulder, his breath warm on her skin. )

I like the jinba girl. Konoha, have you met her?

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