( a gentle sound of understanding. gone but not lost. lost but not forgotten.
after that, they fall into a silence. korra, her head nestled on his shoulder, staring at the stale water pool before them. it’s a peaceful moment, but it’s riddled by parallel unhappiness - these are two forms who want to meet and match up, pieces to the same puzzle but not connected. they can try to mash themselves together a thousand times - the picture underneath will never line up.
mako will leave if she doesn’t say anything. she - doesn’t want that, even if his presence is like looking her mistakes in the eye and apologizing for every single one, endlessly on loop, but. having him far away would be worse, she decides. at the very least, she can offer an explanation.
at length, )
When I was. ( she pulls off mako, straightening up, tugging her shoes off so her toes can dip in the water, making a current of her own, idly. ) After Zaheer hurt me. I was — really sad. ( she sighs. ) I wanted to be angry. I tried to be angry. But I was just ... exhausted. By living, and by being the Avatar. It wasn’t just because he hurt me. It was ... the fact that he was right. The Earth Queen was terrible. Monarchs and dictators have always abused their power. We saw it in Ba Sing Se and — Avatar Wan showed me too. People with a social status will always abuse it, and I thought ... maybe I was abusing being the Avatar, too.
( a hand runs through her hair, anxiously. )
I don’t know. I felt so empty. Zaheer was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but even the — suffocation, and the poison didn’t compare to the after effects. I felt absolutely useless. Every day, I wanted to die. I couldn’t walk — I mean, I couldn’t dress myself. How was I supposed to be the Avatar? And then the letters came in. ( at this point she’s just rambling, speeding up the longer she goes on. ) At least they got me to feel something. Bolin was working with Kuvira, and Asami’s business was exploding, and you were telling me all about your cool cop things, and I was just — angry! I was so mad! I couldn’t move without my dad putting me in a chair, and all my friends were out there, saving the world. I. ( she looks over in mako’s direction and quickly looks away again, minding her reflection in the water. ) I wanted to be with you guys. You say I didn’t write, but it isn’t true. I wrote you a hundred times, but I couldn’t send any of them. I couldn’t lie to you.
( her hands lift up and cover her face again, concealing emotion. it isn’t fun to relive all this stuff but. if mako wants her to rely on him, that’s what this is. )
I couldn’t tell you the truth, either. It sounds dramatic, but I really thought I was going to die. I didn’t — I didn’t want your last memories of me to be of me suffering, every day, until I died. I just wanted to be the happy Korra you guys remembered, you know. Fighty and angry. Always winning. Once I finally got on my feet again, I went immediately to go see you. But, uh ... ( she rubs her eyes pointedly, a headache forming. she can’t remember if she ever told anyone this. ) That’s when the. Hallucinations started.
no subject
after that, they fall into a silence. korra, her head nestled on his shoulder, staring at the stale water pool before them. it’s a peaceful moment, but it’s riddled by parallel unhappiness - these are two forms who want to meet and match up, pieces to the same puzzle but not connected. they can try to mash themselves together a thousand times - the picture underneath will never line up.
mako will leave if she doesn’t say anything. she - doesn’t want that, even if his presence is like looking her mistakes in the eye and apologizing for every single one, endlessly on loop, but. having him far away would be worse, she decides. at the very least, she can offer an explanation.
at length, )
When I was. ( she pulls off mako, straightening up, tugging her shoes off so her toes can dip in the water, making a current of her own, idly. ) After Zaheer hurt me. I was — really sad. ( she sighs. ) I wanted to be angry. I tried to be angry. But I was just ... exhausted. By living, and by being the Avatar. It wasn’t just because he hurt me. It was ... the fact that he was right. The Earth Queen was terrible. Monarchs and dictators have always abused their power. We saw it in Ba Sing Se and — Avatar Wan showed me too. People with a social status will always abuse it, and I thought ... maybe I was abusing being the Avatar, too.
( a hand runs through her hair, anxiously. )
I don’t know. I felt so empty. Zaheer was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but even the — suffocation, and the poison didn’t compare to the after effects. I felt absolutely useless. Every day, I wanted to die. I couldn’t walk — I mean, I couldn’t dress myself. How was I supposed to be the Avatar? And then the letters came in. ( at this point she’s just rambling, speeding up the longer she goes on. ) At least they got me to feel something. Bolin was working with Kuvira, and Asami’s business was exploding, and you were telling me all about your cool cop things, and I was just — angry! I was so mad! I couldn’t move without my dad putting me in a chair, and all my friends were out there, saving the world. I. ( she looks over in mako’s direction and quickly looks away again, minding her reflection in the water. ) I wanted to be with you guys. You say I didn’t write, but it isn’t true. I wrote you a hundred times, but I couldn’t send any of them. I couldn’t lie to you.
( her hands lift up and cover her face again, concealing emotion. it isn’t fun to relive all this stuff but. if mako wants her to rely on him, that’s what this is. )
I couldn’t tell you the truth, either. It sounds dramatic, but I really thought I was going to die. I didn’t — I didn’t want your last memories of me to be of me suffering, every day, until I died. I just wanted to be the happy Korra you guys remembered, you know. Fighty and angry. Always winning. Once I finally got on my feet again, I went immediately to go see you. But, uh ... ( she rubs her eyes pointedly, a headache forming. she can’t remember if she ever told anyone this. ) That’s when the. Hallucinations started.